The Return of the Blob….uhhm, Blog.

Wow.  Nearly 3 months?  How very disappointing.  It’s hard to believe that it has been almost 3 months since the last time I put fingers to the keyboard for the blogosphere.  What’s more, reading back to the last post I made, I realized that I made some promise about completing the inaugural trip rundown.  Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen today.  Somewhere down the road perhaps, I still have my journal and it’s easily transcribed, but not today.

The last 3 months has been a marathon.  And, it would be really easy for me to sit and here and provide all the excuses necessary to justify a three month absence from writing.  Like for instance I could just say that : Christian is playing baseball, he’s in the Honor Band, he’s in a small group, he’s on the junior varsity quiz bowl team.  Conner is playing football.  Jake is playing baseball.  All of these events require time after school, usually in the evening.  Or I could say that I’m playing softball.  Or I could say that Heather and I have a small group as well as other events during the week related to work, as well as her new job and the time requirements for that. 

All that stuff takes its toll for sure.  But that would be a cop out, because I still make time to watch “Deadliest Catch” or “Lost” every week.  I still find time to read every night.  So, what would be that underlying reason I haven’t been writing.

I could say it was work.  I just finished a colossal project (LIVE DVD) that took up so much of my time, and other people’s as well.  I got so heavily involved in that project, almost  dependent on it’s existence to justify my own for a while.  As a good friend relayed to me in song..i was trying so hard to make everything about that project right that I was “unbearably empty” inside, because I had poured it all into that.  It consumed me to a significant degree.  And now 2 weeks finished, I’m starting to surface again.  Every ounce of my creative instinct went into that project, and now that it’s over I look around and see the damage that it caused.  Fractured friendships, bruised relationships.  When you are hip deep in it, you can’t imagine you are causing that.  You try to figure out what’s wrong with everyone else, why can’t they understand what I’m trying to do. And when all they’re trying to do is offer support, all I’m trying to do is tell them they I don’t need it.  Which I most obviously did.  So, now I have to go about repairing those relationships.

But that wasn’t entirely it, although it may have been one of the causes.  I still could’ve written, I wrote other things during that time.  I even thought about it a lot.  I think part of me was afraid of the vitriolic way I would’ve communicated anything via blog in these past 3 months.  My attitude was poor, my writing probably would’ve have been more so.  My demeanor was angry, my writing probably would’ve been more so.  And while I’m at work, I have the bonus of being able to shut my door when I’m mad, this blog provides that open forum to “say what I need to say”, which for all of its upside, has tremendous downside as well.  Those things didn’t need to be said, because they probably weren’t all true.  And maybe, just maybe, it was my subconscious safety that was fully engaged that prevented me from digging the proverbial hole any deeper for myself.

So for all the people reading this, if there are any left, the Matthew that you saw or talked to for the past few months was clearly someone else.  And if he managed to anger you, disappoint, or confuse you in anyway know, that I am sorry for that and hope you will give me the opportunity to make it up to you.

And now I’m back, and I will make every attempt to update this venue with regularity and hopefully some small sliver of wisdom that I may have.  For the audience that I have, thanks for coming back.

~ by mszczep on April 15, 2009.